Wonder Out Loud

If you’re like me, you often awaken at 3 in the morning with your mind filled with questions, like who is this lying next to me? Well, I guess my thoughts seem to drift a little farther out than that, a little more like this.

• Why did people spend all the time domesticating dogs and cats…and now we are stuck taking care of them?

• If you buy a refrigerator and a bum ends up living in the box, can you charge him rent?

• Why do people want to be judged by a Jury instead of a Judge? Do you really want 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty to decide your fate?

• If there really is a hole in the ozone layer, how come we aren’t flying around the universe like a balloon? Or are we?

• Why do birds chirp so loud at 4a.m.? Is there some kind of bird orgy going on out there?

• Why did we build escalators so we didn’t have to climb stairs, then we built Stairmasters so we could climb fake stairs in a health club?

• Why is there Braille on the Drive-Up ATM?

• Why do veggie pizzas still have cheese on them?

• Has Tony Danza ever had a role where his character name wasn’t “Tony”?

• Why do people order a Super-Sized Meal at fast food places and then get a Diet Cola?

• No matter what Neil Patrick Harris does in his life, everyone will still refer to him as Doogie Howser.

• If they don’t make gas with lead anymore, why do they call still call it unleaded gas?

• If you eat Tartar Sauce and then brush your teeth with tartar fighting toothpaste; what happens?

• How many people get into accidents because they are buckling their seatbelts while they are driving?

• Why do people pay the extra money for caller ID on top of their already expensive phone bill, just so they DON’T have to answer the phone?

• Why can Domino’s beat an ambulance to your house? I think these hospitals should start hiring Domino’s drivers, they know how to get somewhere in a hurry.

• Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery?

• How do you throw away a garbage can? They always put mine back on the curb.

• Why is my lemonade artificially flavored, yet my lemon dishwashing detergent contains real lemons.

• Why do we care what happens to these degenerates on the stupid reality shows?

• How does my ass know whether I have to shit or fart? Why do I keep trusting it to make the right decision?

• Why do women usually have about 3 keys and 29 key chains while men have one keychain and about 42 keys?