Superstitions

mirrorcrackedPeople in general are so damn superstitious these days. I could see this kind of thing back in the stone ages when we had no idea how things worked and why things happened. Well get with the times people, we’re in the 21 st century for Christ’s sake. There are many stupid superstitions out there and I’m here to set you straight.

It’s bad luck to walk under a ladder: Ok, this it total bullshit. Walking under a ladder isn’t bad luck, it’s just stupid. If you walk under a ladder, someone could drop some paint on your sorry ass, and if you’re dumb enough to stand under a ladder, I hope that does happen.

Beware of Friday the 13th: What is so bad about this? If you are a slave to the retail trade or any other job you’ll be glad to see Friday no matter what the damn number is attached to the day.

Number 13: This is closely related to the whole Friday the 13th fear because of the stupid number. For whatever reason people seem to be afraid of the number 13. I think it’s because they have kids and they know that once their child turns 13, shit is going to change.

God Bless You: People say this to you when you sneeze. What for? I sneezed, I didn’t conjure up the devil or anything like that. A lot of people have changed this up slightly with the dwindling of religion and they are now just saying “Bless You” which still pisses me off. I sneezed, it’s a one way conversation, I don’t need your input you superstitious sunofabitch.

Don’t spill the salt: Apparently if you accidentally spill the salt, then you are supposed to in turn throw some salt over the left shoulder. Well that is just stupid there. Your clumsy ass has already spilled salt on the table and now you’re going to waste even more salt by throwing it over your shoulder? Don’t you know that shit costs $5 per metric ton?

Black cats: When did this shit start? Why does everyone think that black cats are evil? Anyone out there that has been around long enough should know that black cats are not evil… all cats are.

Breaking Mirrors: If you break a mirror you are supposed to be cursed with 7 years of bad luck. Well we know that’s not true. What if you’re an ugly person, you’ve probably done yourself a favor because now you don’t have to look at yourself. Of course we still have to see your ugly ass.

Cross Your Fingers: What kind of bullshit is this? People cross their fingers for various reasons. Some make a promise and cross their fingers thinking that it will void the promise. Others cross their fingers for luck. Well either way the only thing you’re going to get out of it is a finger cramp.

Step on a crack: Ah, this was some good grade school shit wasn’t it? Step on a crack; break your mother’s back. Well, we all know that was bullshit right. I always wonder, because somewhere in this big, big world, there had to be at least one kid who did step on a crack and through some misfortune, his mother broke her back that very day. I’d love to meet that kid; if I had access to the psyche ward that is.

Opening an umbrella indoors brings bad luck: I don’t know if it brings bad luck, unless you consider people thinking that you are possibly retarded because you’re opening up an umbrella inside bad luck. That’s the only way I can see that bringing you bad luck… unless of course you open it in the car and blind the driver… now that’s bad luck.

If your left hand itches you will receive money: Well that’s just dandy. What if it’s my right hand? I know that means something too. Hey, what if it’s my crotch that itches? I suppose that doesn’t mean money, it means crabs.

Knock On Wood: So whenever you say something about what good luck your having, you have to say “knock on wood”, or worse, actually knock on some wood. Why? Are you afraid the table gnomes will suddenly bring you bad luck and you have to scare them away? Here’s hoping you break your knuckles next time you’re knocking on wood.

Wishbones: Haven’t we desecrated the turkey enough already without having to make wishes off of their bones now too? It’s bad enough you ate the poor bastard but then you save part of its carcass and make a wish with it? I’m sure the other turkeys are wishing for bone splinters in your fucking eyes!

Birthday Candles: When it’s your birthday you’re supposed to blow out your candles and make a wish. If you blow out all the candles then you’re wish will come true; that is if your wish is to develop asthma or emphysema later in life from wasting all of your lung power blowing out stupid ass candles.

Rabbit’s Foot: Apparently some people thought that in order to get good luck, you had to kill a rabbit and make a keychain out of its feet. How the hell can that be good luck? The fucking rabbit had four of those and I don’t consider having your limbs turned into key chains very lucky.

Falling star: Whenever you see a falling star you’re supposed to make a wish and it will come true. That’s bullshit and I speak from experience. When I was 6 I remember seeing a falling star and wishing it would crash into my neighbors house; it didn’t… fucking star.

Break a leg: This is some reverse psychology shit going on here. Apparently actors used to tell one another good luck and then if they tanked they considered it a curse, so they starting wishing bad things on one another to “trick” fate. Well break a leg is pretty lame. I would have went with something more like “have a brain aneurism out there” or “swallow your tongue”… you’re supposed to be actors, can’t you come up with any good shit unless someone writes it for you?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *