I still have other projects on my mind too, because I either like having no cash flow or don’t like sitting down very much. I think it’s about time some of those people with shows on HGTV show their asses up at my house and help me out.

Ripping the entire kitchen out and revamping it helped keep it fresh for me. Now I get a new roof in the next couple weeks. I already got my insurance check, just got to wait for the guy to bring me over some shingle samples and that will be done. I am going to change the color of the roof as long as I’m at it. I’m thinking of going with a brown color instead of the grey that is up there now. I guess we’ll see when I finally see samples and make up my mind. Of course, once that is done I want to paint all of the trim, so there goes my fun time.

What else is going on? I know; the weather. What the hell is up with this lately? First we are hotter than I remember, and we are getting more severe weather than ever; then it turns cold and we are having lows in the lower 50’s… make up your damn mind weather.

Luckily, my city cleaned my streets. Unfortunately, they cleaned my street at 1:30 in the fucking morning. Why would you clean the streets at that time of the morning? If it was just the little truck with the spinning brushes on it, it would have been one thing. No… they had out the big ass vacuum truck out working on my streets. I believe they made about 4 passes by my house, and then proceeded to back up several times to get the side streets. So add on top of the noise of a huge ass vacuum the noise of a backup beeper loud enough to be heard over the vacuum… Yeah, I was up for a few hours this morning. There is nothing more I like that being woke up thinking a jet is crashing in front of the house.

Now I need to get my ass to bed and hope I can get some sleep tonight. I hope they don’t clean the streets again.

Today I was outside raking my dry dirt part of my yard so I could plant the new seed and I turn around and there is a big ass black bear running down the sidewalk. I haven’t run since I was forced to in high school, but I made it inside my house in record time. This was no baby cub bear; this was a big ass frightened black bear. I’ll stare down a Chihuahua any day, but I’m not fucking with a bear.

That was my excitement for this week. Good news is that I’m off work now until Tuesday of next week. My friend Mike is up from North Carolina and weather permitting we’re going out golfing tomorrow. I would say that beats working any day. We went golfing on Monday (another paid day off I had) and holy shit am I out of shape. We walked the first nine holes and rented a cart for the second nine. My legs hurt from walking and my upper body hurt from swinging. I suppose if I didn’t have to swing 11 times per hole I wouldn’t be in such rough shape.

I noticed today that someone in Ohio won the 260 million dollar Powerball yesterday. I just want to remind my bestest friend Lisa that I am still around just in case it was her that won…

Now, off to the bar to play some pool!!!

That’s right, it’s time for the official “it’s too hot, I wish it would cool down” complaint. In fact, I think that’s all I really need to say about that issue. Actually the heat doesn’t bother me now, because I have central air now… that’s right, I’m like the Jefferson’s and I moved on up. I only had to use it about three times last year after I moved in, but that is so much sweeter than those lame ass window units I used to screw with.

In other news, my allergies are kicking my ass it seems. That is about the only thing I miss about winter time. That and not having to get off my ass to mow the lawn.

This brings me to my least favorite credit card… Discover. Why are they so damn pesty? My card doesn’t expire for like 5 years, but it seems they send me a replacement card every year. Do you think I am wearing it out? I don’t even use it. The only reason I would carry my Discover card is if it was icy and I forgot my scraper for my car windows. That, or if I wanted to break into a door that doesn’t have a deadbolt on it; other that those reasons, that card is totally worthless. Now I just got my new card in the mail again (my original was good through 2013, just like the replacement they sent me) so I had to call and activate it. When I call to activate I’m put through to the live person instead of being able to just activate by pushing buttons like normal cards do. I get on the phone with this woman and she’s asking me why I haven’t used my card since 2008. I said well I normally just use my debit card or cash. Then she goes into this big ordeal how if I carry cash it could be stolen but I’d be safe with using my Discover card. Well no shit Sherlock, nobody wants to steal that shit. If someone stole a wallet and it had a Discover card and a 10 year old condom in it, they’d be ecstatic about the vintage Trojan they found. After this she had the audacity to ask me if I would promise to use my Discover card more. Look, if you’re not happy that I’m not using my card, then grow some balls like those assholes over at MasterCard and cancel my damn accounts for inactivity. I have a house now; I don’t use anything but my Menards card and my debit card. I use one because I’m always buying something for the house and the other because I’d rather spend money I have, not money I can pay back…

In other news, it snowed here Friday and Saturday. Let me repeat that in case it didn’t sink in… it snowed here. Need I remind you that in April I actually was able to leave my windows open overnight a couple times, then in May I’m dodging pelting snow and 30mph winds… that is fucked up, and unfortunately normal in Wisconsin. On the plus side we are up to a balmy 48 degrees here and heading for a high of 57. You know what that means right? No winter coat today!

Why not? You see, back in 1998 I got a cell phone and cancelled the land line. My thought was hey cool, I can only pay one phone bill and always have my phone on me. When I did that and told people I was cutting off the landline I heard the same thing… WHY?? That was 12 years ago that I did that. Now everyone is doing that. Now I’m going the other way. You see, I’m a trendsetter, not a trend follower. Besides, do you know how freeing it is to go into a store and not worry that you are going to be interrupted by a phone call? I hear a cell phone now and it makes me happy I don’t have to look like an idiot digging in my pocket to see if it was mine. I hate hearing a cell phone ring when I’m in a store… it’s a pet peeve. Of course now it isn’t a ring, everyone has a stupid fucking ringtone. Oh is that a Nickelback song on the store radio? No, that moron’s is just getting a phone call over there.

Oh, and you texting assholes… what the fuck is that about? I’d rather dial the same number as if I was going to call you, but instead of asking you a question, I’d rather type the thing out. The other thing is people send a text and then sit there and keep looking at their phones waiting for their text back. In my experience, it seems to be women mostly that do that. No stereotypes there, just from my keen observations I see more women hanging onto the hopes and dreams that whatever sperm donor they’re currently receiving from will text them back. It’s kind of sad. Remember when you were about 4 and you were watching Rudolph and the other deer made fun of him and he hung his head in shame... it’s that sad. Anyway, enough shit about cell phones, I feel like I went way off course with that blog.

This wouldn’t be my blog if I didn’t bring this up… it fucking snowed today. I slept with the windows open a week ago and today it snowed. I know what you’re thinking… and you should be ashamed of yourself. Oh, you were thinking that it’s Wisconsin and I should be used to that. Yeah, sure that’s what you were thinking. I’ll overlook your sinful thoughts this time because I’m good like that and it’s almost time for bed. On the plus side of the weather, the 70’s are set to make a comeback soon. I can’t wait. Unfortunately I have to.

Wow, it’s almost Easter. That means uncomfortable small talk around the table while eating ham and trying to pretend you get along with all your relatives. That’s what the colored eggs are for, distraction. I don’t do the colored egg thing anymore, way too old for that. Speaking of eggs though, I wonder one thing. Why is it when I want to have fried eggs with toast I can’t save a yolk for my life? Now on the other hand, if I am making scrambled eggs, I can crack the egg 20” above the pan and drop it in and the yolk is just fine. What the hell is up with that? Damn you Murphy and all your laws.

Holy hell, I’m on a roll here, I’m a blogging maniac lately. Tune in next time and I’ll talk about why I hate texting and if you call my cell phone you won’t get me anymore…

WHY???

Stop the presses, two days in a row – holy shit. I am sitting in my house after 7pm with the windows open and it’s still March. Did I mention that I’m in Wisconsin? I did fail to mention that I went and had allergy testing done and I have major allergies. What am I allergic to you ask; pretty much anything outside of the house and some things inside the house as well. I have super allergies to grass and trees which makes me think I should concrete the yard this summer. Gotta love those allergies, that’s for sure. So I’m playing around with a concoction of Singulair and XYZAL, which shouldn’t even be a word should it? It looks like you finished the alphabet off and started over then said fuck it, just throw an L in there. I don’t know if the shit is even working because I got a cold, which funny thing, happens to be a side effect of the allergy medicine. Isn’t that a bitch? Hey, your allergies have let up, well let up enough for this cold to take over. But look on the bright side, now your snot is yellowish green again. Awesome, that was worth being poked by a needle 80 times.

You know, usually the weather is pissing me off, but now the Weather Channel is pissing me off. They just changed my local forecast thing again, and this time it talks to me. I thought it was bad when they played that shitty elevator music in the background, but now I get to hear some guy talk weather to me. Hey dickhead, I can read, zip it. Another thing, the weather channel plays a movie on Friday nights now? When did this shit start? It’s a weather related movie, but honestly, how many of those can there be out there. You can only play Twister so many times before people catch on that you don’t have much of a movie catalog. Soon they will play a movie and say, oh, it snowed in the movie, that’s weather related so therefore it’s relevant. It’s not, you’re the Weather Channel and that means you give me the boring ass weather, that’s what I turn the channel on for, not for a movie. Maybe the Food Network should have movies like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory… shit, now they probably will.

Some days I really need something new to bitch about. Every once in a while I get this feeling like I miss working retail. Of course a quick trip to my local grocery store squashes that empty feeling right away. Nothing feels better than walking into a store and seeing some annoying customer pissing and moaning about something and knowing that you truly don’t give a shit about their problems and you’re not going to do anything to help them… just like when I used to work at the store.

Speaking of Toyota, what the hell is NASA sticking their noses into this for? Are we stupid here or what? Hey Toyota and US Government, let me explain something to you. The problem is that these cars are speeding out of control. Do you really want to have NASA, you know the people that make a space shuttle that goes 17,500mph, working on your out of control cars? I think not, this is a car problem. If you want a government program that will slow shit down to a snail’s pace, try Congress. Although this would be fun for the Toyota engineers working with NASA; anytime someone from NASA comes up with a theory they could just say… yeah whatever, what are you a rocket scientist?

I think it’s finally here, even a little bit early. That’s right, the mid 70’s are coming this week and I couldn’t be happier. I know what you’re thinking; now he’s just going to start bitching about it being too warm out. No. Although I’m not looking forward to the sweltering heat of the summer combined with a ton of humidity, I am looking forward to being able to go outside with short sleeves on and not end up in the hypothermia ward at my local hospital. I’m hoping to be able to get out and do some shit this year. I want to golf for sure and possibly go camping this summer. Last year I got so wrapped up in this house bullshit that I totally missed my summer. Now that the remodel is completed I can hopefully relax this summer and do some fun stuff. That reminds me, I need to put some pictures up someday.

What else is on my agenda? Oh yeah, I want to learn how to play the acoustic guitar. I have one now and am trying some self taught techniques and if I feel like I’m getting the swing of things I will probably take some lessons in the future. I have wanted to learn for many years, but I always put it off thinking I would do it in the future. I guess I’m coming to the realization that I’m not getting any younger; what do I look like, Benjamin Button? Either that or I’m having a mid life crisis, which would totally suck ass if I only get a guitar out of my mid life crisis and not a hot convertible and a hotter 19 year old woman. That is what you would call a raw deal any way you slice it.

Holy hell, I haven’t blogged since before Christmas. I guess I need to play some catch up now. Let’s rewind to Thanksgiving. Turkey, stuffing, blah blah blah… nothing really spectacular happened then, so let’s move on. For my first time ever I went out shopping on Black Friday. The fact that I’m not sitting in a holding cell still awaiting trial for beating the shit out of some random asshole that pissed me off on that day is a miracle in and of itself. I really can’t say I will ever go out and do that again. Not that I don’t enjoy waking up at 3am and going to a store (holy shit, that sounds like when I used to work retail), but really… I don’t like going to a store at 5pm. Add in no sleep and 500 additional people and you have the recipe for a disgruntled human.

I bought a Christmas tree and had that up. I actually ended up having Christmas dinner here at my new house this year. It wasn’t too bad except for the aforementioned shitty weather we had. It was a small party with only 8 of us here. The Sunday after Christmas I got up in the morning feeling ok and then when I sat on the couch I got a lovely surprising feeling of falling backwards. I also had a very plugged left side of my head, nasal congestion and all that good shit. On Wednesday I ended up going to the doctor at urgent care and was diagnosed with having BPPV. The V stands for vertigo in that awesome acronym. I know I didn’t ask for that for Christmas. It took a full week for the vertigo to go away and I was extremely pleased when it did. There’s only one reason you should be hanging onto your headboard, and feeling like you’re spinning isn’t the reason.

Now it’s the New Year and I am getting ready to do my taxes. I cannot wait to get my money now with my 8,000 credit for being a first time home buyer. I will be super rich then, until I realize that I have a mortgage and owe almost 10 times that. Ah, the joys of being a responsible adult… what a crock of shit.

I know… I’m sick of listening to people on the news piss and moan about Tiger Woods and whoever he is or isn’t driving. People all over the world are cheating on their spouses and being famous doesn’t make you exempt from it, but it also shouldn’t make you the target of everyone else with shitty morals suddenly judging you for your actions. All I can say is that with America’s short attention span Tiger will be back in our good graces soon enough; right Kobe Bryant?

On a side note, why was I up at 6am on a Sunday morning?