Some people can’t express themselves without using a cliché, of course some people need severe beatings also. If you know someone who always has some old ass cutesy saying for whatever the situation is, knock them on their ass, and tell them that’s the way the ball bounces.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush: At least I could shoot them if they were still in the bush. Besides, if the bird is in your hand, it’ll probably to just shit on you. This almost sounds like some masturbation societies motto, doesn’t it?
Like a bull in a china shop: Well who in the hell would let a bull into a china shop anyway? Are there even china shops anymore? I think not. I don’t see too many bulls anymore either come to think about it.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too: Well what in the hell is the sense of having cake if you can’t eat it? What am I going to do, strike up a conversation with it? “See you’re wearing that white frosting today there cake”
The only two certain things are death and taxes: Well isn’t that nice. Gives me a nice outlook on the remainder of my life. If they don’t kill you, they’ll tax you. Hell, you’ll still be paying taxes on the funeral anyway. Well you won’t, you’ll be dead.
Running around like a chicken with its head cut off: When a chicken’s head is cut off, they run in circles. Know why? No fuckin’ eyes! No head for that matter. Why couldn’t you just say running around in circles you gruesome bastard?
Every cloud has a silver lining: It does not. There is no silver in a cloud or we would have somehow figured out how to get the silver out of the clouds.
It’s as easy as ABC: How do you know it’s that easy? What if it’s as easy as 1,2,3… but not quite as easy as ABC? Do you say this to stupid people too? Hey, it’s as easy as AB… oh, never mind.
You’d lose your head if it weren’t attached: Damn, you must be the person who was picking on the chickens earlier. If my head wasn’t attached, I think I’d have bigger worries than just losing it.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink: You know, I’ve never led a horse to water, so I really can’t identify with this one. However, if he isn’t going to drink anyway, fuck him, I won’t waste my time showing him.
Look at the pot calling the kettle black: The last time I saw a black kettle or pot was on an old rerun of Little House on the Prairie. Going to have to change it to look at the pot calling the kettle aluminum.
There’s light at the end of the tunnel: Well I sure the hell hope so, otherwise how are you going to see in there? Tunnels get pretty dark you know. Just hope the light isn’t a train coming at you.
It’s no use crying over spilt milk: Tell that to the child who gets an ass whooping because they spilled milk. I do believe some crying is in order there. Not only do you not get milk now, but you get spanked in the process.
Like trying to find a needle in a haystack: Are needles really that damn expensive? Instead of wasting your day looking through hay, just buy a new needle. The cow that is shitting blood tomorrow found your needle.
The show’s not over till the fat lady sings: What if a fat lady opens up the show? Does everyone leave then? I think a more realistic saying would be, the show’s over when the fat lady strips.
If you can read this you are too close: Well if you didn’t write the shit so damn small, I wouldn’t really have to be this close now would I?
What doesn’t kill me, it makes me stronger: Yes, nothing makes someone stronger than a string of bullets ripping through them. “Hey, did you get shot?” “No, I was just working out.” Hit the weights dumbass.
Pain is nature’s way of telling you that you are still alive: Well I think someone needs to have a little talk with nature here. You know, an orgasm would do the same job.
What goes around comes around: Unless it’s that new boomerang you just bought. That sonofabitch doesn’t come back for anything.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life: So what was all that that happened before today? Was that just practice?
Laughter is the best medicine: I will try to remember that next time I am at the doctor. No, don’t prescribe me that antibiotic; just tell me some real good jokes.
The more things change, the more they stay the same: Is that really possible? It would seem to me that the more things change, the more they are different.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade: Why would I waste my time making lemonade? I can go to the store and buy that shit ready made.
There are plenty more fish in the sea: Yeah, but there are also a hell of a lot of jellyfish and sharks in there too. So while you are looking for your fish, Jaws is looking at you for dinner.
It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all: Yes, I will try to use that one next time I work on the suicide hotline. “Hey, it’s better to have loved and lost than – Hello, are you there? What was that loud bang?”
If you can’t beat them, join them: I’d rather go with, if you can’t beat them, have them beaten. You must know some people capable of that.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder: Apparently no one has ever told this to Cosmopolitan magazine. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a woman over 100 pounds on their cover.
There is nothing to fear but fear itself: Next time someone is holding me up I will try to remember that. Hey, I’m not afraid of you, but I’m afraid of the fact that I’m afraid.
When it rains, it pours: Well of course it does. Otherwise it wouldn’t be called rain now would it? It would just be drizzle.
When at first you don’t succeed, try, try again: Hey, I tried that one, but apparently there is like some law against that. The judge called it stalking.
The greatest thing since sliced bread: What’s the big deal? I’ve seen a lot of cool things in my life, but they all rank higher than sliced bread.
Piss up a rope: Apparently someone actually tried this or something. I could see someone trying to piss up a hose, but piss up a rope? You’d get all sticky!
Take it with a grain of salt: Take what? Are we talking about french fries here or something? A grain isn’t very much either; I need at least one of those little packets from the fast food joints.
Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched: Obviously the same guy that invented that saying also invented the omelet.
Barking up the wrong tree: What tree? This one doesn’t work to well in a place like North Dakota or Nebraska.
As useless as tits on a washboard: Hey, I’m a guy; I could find use for tits on a washboard.
More fun than a barrel full of monkeys: Exactly what in the hell is so fun about a barrel of monkeys anyway? You know they are just going to shit all over the place.