Christmas Planning

xmas2Christmas is one of the most wonderful times of the year; at least that’s what the song says. The stores seem to start wanting you to begin buying in September. If you’re like me it’s just another day. A day you can get some free shit out of that is. Here are some tips for planning to help make it a great time of year.

  • The bigger the tree, the more presents that will fit under it.
  • If you don’t at least triple your electric bill when you decorate, you’re not really trying are you.
  • Anyone receiving a crappy gift that smiles and says it’s the thought that counts is a liar.
  • Don’t pay any attention to those whiny Chanukah bastards.
  • If you have to go to the in-laws for Christmas then make sure you consume plenty of spiked eggnog before you go so you don’t have to remember that shit in the morning.
  • Consume as much candy and baked goods as you want to over Christmas so you have a good New Years Resolution to make about losing weight.
  • When decorating the tree make sure you put enough ornaments on it so you can’t even recognize there is a tree underneath.
  • Some people have started hanging their trees from the ceiling; of course some people are also retarded.
  • Start practicing your fake smile now to fool all your relatives into thinking you are enjoying your time visiting with their sorry asses.
  • Suggesting a gift you want works somewhat like pricing items at a garage sale. You can go down in price but not back up.
  • Remember if you’re little nephew Johnny goes crazy and kills a bunch of kids in school, it’s probably because of that ugly sweater you got him for Christmas when he was 5.
  • Whoever said ‘Tis the Season to be Jolly has never stood in a two hour line at Wal Mart to buy some stupid Harry Potter toy.
  • Ethel, nobody wants you stupid family update letters, got it? We don’t care if Bobby got his braces off, he’s 33 for cripes sake.
  • Many people get depressed at Christmas time, probably because they got a shitty gift.
  • Remember, it’s better to give that to receive… yeah, if we’re talking punching.
  • Sending out Christmas Cards is meaningless, if you are going to see the person you don’t need to send a card, and you if don’t see them then fuck ’em.
  • Christmas is a strictly Christian holiday; which just happens to be the only federal recognized religious holiday… damn, break out the eggnog it’s time to party.

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