November 27, 2005
The Blackest Friday
Let’s just say that I had to work on Friday morning at 5 am which is my regular time to go in. That helped solidify the thought of me not going anywhere near a store Friday morning. There was no chance whatsoever of that happening anyway because as we have discussed in detail in the past; I’m really not too fond of people. I think the reason that they call it Black Friday is because when you leave the stores, you are black and blue. God damn people are crazy bastards aren’t they? When you get all of these lazy bastards up around 4 in the morning and then pile them all up into the store at one time together you have to expect problems, which is why people are fighting in Wal Mart. Another reason that people are fighting at Wal Mart is because they advertise shit at this unbelievable price and draw you in. Hey look at these laptop computers for under $400, come on in and get one Friday morning. Let me just say that I looked at the laptop and just because it is a laptop does not make it a good laptop. I wouldn’t have paid anything for it, and if I did get a laptop it wouldn’t have been that piece of shit. How many people were probably at Wal Mart that early in the morning? Realize that a lot of people weren’t even able to get a hold of a cart and they have a shitload of carts in those stores. That means that there were more people than carts in the store before six in the morning; and most of those fuckers didn’t even have their first cup of coffee yet. The next part of this equation is that you have to know there weren’t 800 laptops in each store, more like 18, and that’s being generous. So roughly 500 people, 18 laptops and no coffee; shit, where’s the camera crew when you need one? Orlando Florida, that’s where the camera crew was at. You know damn well that the morning news crews don’t give a lick of shit about people shopping; they are just hoping to god a fight breaks out and they will be there live to catch it on camera. Yeah, a good fight or a great stampede on morning television; nothing brings in the holiday spirit like watching a bunch of cranky cocksuckers being trampled by other cranky cocksuckers. That is definitely must see TV. When these awesome deals are in your paper you need to look at it and realize that half the time the shit that they are selling isn’t top quality, it’s more along the lines of mid to low quality shit. Aren’t you glad you got up for that shit?
Remember a day or two ago I was bitching about the tabloids talking about Jen and Brad and Angelina and Tom and Katie? Well, now they are going to have a new story and I won’t have to see those five degenerates on the front pages, I’ll be subject to Nick and Jessica on the front pages at least through Christmas if not beyond. I’ll get to read about who they are fucking now, what broke them up and the once in a while story of them getting back together. Sadly this will sell millions of papers because that’s all the American public really cares about. Foreign policy or political things, most people either don’t have an opinion about it and they sure the hell won’t read about them, but give them a story about two people who end their marriage and you’ve got a best selling story. No wonder the average IQ in this country is continuing to slip more and more every year.
I didn’t fall asleep last night until after 1am and then like clockwork I woke up at 4am like I was going to work. I didn’t have to go to work today and luckily I didn’t. I got up, did the bathroom thing and then went back to bed. About 30 minutes later I heard this weird ass noise which woke me up and I didn’t know what the hell that was all about. It was loud banging and rattling outside. Had it been June or July I wouldn’t have thought anything of it except oh, it’s thundering and raining outside; but it was November 27th and that kind of shit doesn’t happen this time of year. I got up again for the second time in 4 hours and strolled to the window and pulled back the shade and it was pouring out so hard you could hardly see the neighbors’ house. Add to that the fact that it was lightning and thundering out like gangbusters and we’ve got a little storm on our hands. It really didn’t do anything bad out except for the fact when I turned on the weather channel it said our temperature was only 32 degrees; and 32 degrees is what? It’s the temperature that water freezes at, that’s right. So to recap my wonderful morning, I’ve got close to 4 hours of sleep and something close to an ice storm happening outside my house. It wasn’t coming down as ice luckily, or we probably still wouldn’t have power here, but it was freezing on the roads shortly after falling. I turned on one of my police scanners to listen to the action unfold since I was now wide ass awake and sleep wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. I listened for a while and got to hear how cars were sliding out of control and even the salting trucks had to put chains on because they couldn’t keep on the roads. What a weird ass weather day… to bad it came two days late.
November 24, 2005
No Starvin' Marvin, That's My Pot Pie
Well, today is the day that starts the official push of Christmas. Thanksgiving is normally the second to last meeting of your family for the year, being followed by Christmas of course. Now what happens on Thanksgiving usually is that aside from the getting together and eating way to much food, you also get into that stupid game of exchanging names. You know the deal, you all draw some family member’s name out of a hat or a shitty Tupperware bowl and then you are assigned the awesome task of trying to find them some stupid ass gift in less than a month when you will all meet in this same location again. You usually never draw one of your parent’s names or a sibling; it’s usually some distant cousin who just sits in the corner and doesn’t talk to anyone for the whole day. Well what in the hell are you going to buy him? You can tell he’s obviously a loser so maybe a Playboy and some Vaseline? Luckily I don’t have to do any of that shit so my Thanksgiving was just eating and watching some television.
I did however venture out of the house today and was going to attempt to shop a little bit for some Christmas presents early. If you think I’m stupid enough to actually go out into the madhouse that so called ‘Black Friday’ is; you obviously don’t know me at all. Let’s just say that I’m not a people person. Anyway, the one thing I am looking to buy for a present is this thing called I-Dog. On my way home from work this morning I stopped at Wal Mart and wanted to see what it cost and they didn’t have it. I scoured the toy department looking and I finally broke down and asked one of the people there if they had them. They toy lady had no idea what I was talking about; which is not a good sign when you’re looking for a toy. She looked around the shelves because apparently my eyes weren’t working properly, then when I told her what it was she told me it was probably in electronics. We strolled over to electronics and checked it out but there was none there either so she paged over the electronics person. When he got out there he looked on some computer and said if they had it that it would be in toys. Great, now we’re back to square one, and guess what? Now I’ve got two people looking for this toy over in the toy department where it wasn’t at before. The final decision was that it wasn’t in the store so I left. Shit it was 6:30 in the morning and I thought I could get home and catch some more shut eye before starting my day.
I ventured out to K Mart later because I remembered seeing in the paper last week that it was only $18.98 there. Well, when I got there I saw it but the price tag was $27.99. What in the hell is that about, I know the paper said it was under twenty, but maybe it was Shopko. I ventured over there next and they had I Dog also, but he was $29.99. It’s only Thanksgiving and I’m already pissed at Christmas. I went home after this disappointment and checked my papers. I was right, it was K Mart that had it for under $20, but that specific sale was only good for Sunday through Wednesday and of course – it was now Thursday. Fucked again I guess. Another thing that miffed me about I-Dog was that he is no bigger than my fist. Apparently you hook him up to your mp3 player or your CD player and he lights up and bobs his head to your music. I don’t think he’s worth $20, and he damn sure isn’t worth $30 so at the moment I-Dog is still stuck in the store and a six year old may have her Christmas ruined this year. Just kidding, I’m sure they will go on sale again or I will find something better to buy than a stupid I-Dog. I’m good like that you know.
November 22, 2005
Oh Look, I Can Myspace Now
Quick, break out the confetti. I wound up signing up for a My Space account last night because I guess it was my turn. I had been pondering the decision because there are a few artists on there and it would be nice to have them on there. Well, last night was the deciding factor for me because I found a space on there where someone copied one of my pages and just posted it like it was their own. I’m glad someone thought that shit was funny but nowhere on the page was any mention of where this came from or even a link back to my site. I put a comment on the page to just let anyone else who reads it know where it came from, but of course in order to do that, I had to sign up for my own account. That’s how the deal was sealed.
You know what I’m sick of? The fucking tabloids, that’s what I’m sick of. There are five people out there whose name I hope I never have to hear again. They would be Brad Pitt, Angela Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Hey tabloids, do me a favor, leave these fucking people alone. I don’t care if Brad dropped Jen to go bang Angela or vice versa. I can’t even stand in line of the grocery store without seeing this shit. If you do happen to be one of these media hounds that can’t get enough of this shit, the supermarket checkouts do have you covered. The good news is that there are so many different magazines out there you can find the story you like and buy that one. Hey look at this, Angela is pregnant on this one; oh, Jen and Brad are getting back together on this one, but on this one Jen is banging Vince Vaughn. News customized to your taste, just the way it should be. I have never understood exactly why we are so fascinated with celebrities’ lives. Maybe it’s because we think our lives are so mundane and their lives are so excited. Just remember, a celebrity is no different than you or me. Next time you’re putting one of these so called celebs on a pedestal think that your favorite does everything that you do, just they do it in front of the camera… well, aside from taking a shit; and that’s only because no one has gotten a camera in there. In fact, if that was on the front page of the Enquirer next week people would be snapping those issues up. Oh my God look honey, Jennifer Aniston took a shit this week… let’s buy two issues.
I realized yesterday that when I transferred my blog over from its sub domain over to here I didn’t change the path on all of my pictures and because of that none of my old pictures showed up. I also realized I didn’t like the way the archive pages looked. The text was too small and the style really didn’t match the rest of the site. I fixed both of those problems today and now the only thing I really need to spend some major time on is fixing up the damn guestbook so I can check it once in a while and not have to weed through 400 spam messages. Fucking spammers anyway. Maybe I should be able to charge those cocksuckers for advertising on my site.
Hey, all of the snow melted by Sunday last weekend. I was happy to see that shit since I’m all for a green or even brown Christmas. You know, I can’t really think of any benefit of snow anymore. Speaking of Christmas we are now being subject to the torture that is known as listening to Christmas music at work. Damn you Dick Cheney; what do you want to know, I’ll talk, just don’t let me hear another rendition of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
November 17, 2005
Let's Do the Twist
I rented a couple of movies tonight because I was bored off my ass. One of the movies I got was Skeleton Key. It was a pretty decent movie, although I can admit I have seen better movies before. The one thing that got me is that every time I would see a commercial on TV for this movie I’d have to hear this: “with the greatest plot twist since the Sixth Sense”. Let me explain something here alright? All of you wanna be horror movies that only come off as a little spooky, do me a favor; quit comparing yourselves to The Sixth Sense. Yes, that movie drew us in and pulled off one hell of a plot twist and when you found out that Willis was dead for most of the movie you were like let me hit that fucking rewind button. That was a while ago though and I get so sick of every movie trying to duplicate what they had there. What Lies Beneath tried, Gothika wanted to, so did Stir of Echoes and the big one of course was The Others which totally ripped off the whole “dead through the whole movie” thing. It was like they said, hey we liked the Sixth Sense so let’s do that movie over but we’ll make it back in the old days and we’ll make it three people instead of just one… brilliant; pour me another Guinness. All of these movies are trying to draw you in and then after you are totally into the movie they shit all over you and let you know what you believed was completely wrong. Remember when movies would do that before the Sixth Sense and they didn’t call it the plot twist, they called it the fucking plot. If your soul motivation for making a movie is for the five minute payoff at the end, well then you’ve wasted a studio’s money and an hour and a half of my life. Anyway, let me just say that the movie was good and I did not watch it for the plot twist, I watched it for the story. Obviously something happens in the end that makes you kind of rethink certain parts of the movie. If you watch it and it’s done, go back and rethink the hangings in the early part of the movie. Just do me a favor Hollywood, don’t try to sell me an hour and twenty minutes of some shit because the last ten minutes will be the best twist I’ve seen since Chubby Checker; just let me watch my movie and eat my fucking popcorn.
Hey, winter showed up the other day and boy was I happy. Luckily we didn’t get the eight inches of snow they were promising us and only wound up with about one inch. Sound familiar ladies? That’s ok though, let it snow. There’s only a little over 120 days until Spring.
November 13, 2005
Tornadoes in November
I was down in Eau Claire yesterday hanging out and I wound up shopping a little bit. I ran out to Best Buy for the hell of it and wound up getting Mitch Hedberg’s CD Mitch All Together which also has a bonus DVD with it. I was looking for a George Carlin double DVD to finish off my collection, but Best Buy didn’t have it so I ran over to the mall to check out Suncoast video. They didn’t have it either, but since I was already in the mall I figured why not go check out Spencer Gifts. I am desperately looking for a Family Guy baseball cap but Spencer’s didn’t have one. I browsed through some of their stuff, but I really have no use for Cartman slippers or thinks of that nature and there were too many people hanging out back in the dirty part of the store for me to gander so I took off. I wandered down the mall and I saw another store that might have it. God I hate going in that fucking store, but I really have no choice do I? I had to enter Hot Topic. This is not a task I take lightly; in fact I think I would rather walk into a porn shop on free lube night. Ok, maybe it’s not quite that bad but still I don’t like to venture in there alone. I’m not exactly down with the whole Goth thing or Emo thing and I don’t understand it either. For a group of people that want to be somewhat non-conforming it seems funny they all dress alike. It’s like the Amish with nose studs. Like I said, I don’t understand it and since I don’t personally know anyone that is Goth I don’t care to understand it. The point is I had to go into Hot Topic and wade through skinny little aisles and avoid touching the Goths… because they have sharp jewelry you know.
I made it out of Hot Topic unscathed and with a purchase (no need to worry, it wasn’t black makeup or a spiked collar). My fun didn’t end there though, the real fun happened when I got to go home. I didn’t head out until around 8pm and when I left there was a Tornado Watch out for us. It’s the middle of fucking November and we have a Tornado Watch out. To make things worse, there was a huge ass thunderstorm heading towards Eau Claire just as I was leaving. I got to drive through extremely heavy rains and high winds for about fifteen minutes on my way home. It was obviously punishment from God for buying something from Hot Topic. By the time I got home, the Tornado Watch had been cancelled and we were about to be in for a dose of reality. The weather just realized that it was November in Wisconsin and we needed snow. Well, even though we just had a cancelled Tornado Watch, we were now being told that we would have snow flurries in the morning and a possibility of having up to three inches of snow by the end of the day on Monday with an additional three inches on Tuesday. Lovely; just fucking lovely.
November 07, 2005
Dollar, Dollar Bill Y’all
Well, check out what I got from the bank the other day. It’s a $2 bill from 1976. My first impression when I looked at it was who in the fuck would mail a $2 bill? You’d have to be a retard to just stick a $2 bill in the mail. Of course if you check the postmark you’ll realize that it was 1976 and I believe that the drug usage wasn’t the only thing that was high if you know what I’m saying. Well, being the inquisitive sonofabitch that I am, I had to do a little research and figure out why this bill was postmarked.
There’s good news and bad news about that whole deal; the bad news is that the bill is not worth enough to let me quit my job and live in the lap of luxury. Hell, it’s not even worth enough to let me buy an MP3 player the size of a pack of gum. In fact, that’s about all it’s worth, a pack of gum… a $2 pack of gum (you know, the good shit that you don’t ever buy for the kids?)
The good news about the whole thing is that I did indeed find out why someone postmarked this bill. The date on the bill was April 13, 1976, which from what I read was the day that this bill was released. Apparently people went out and had these bills postmarked to prove that they were obtained on the day of release. If anyone knows why they did that shit I’d love to know. My only guess would be that television really sucked back then and they were really bored. How do fads like that start anyway? Obviously it wasn’t just the one person that did the bill I have in my possession now, but many people all over the country did it. All I can really gather is that the $2 bill was out of circulation for so long when it came back people lost their fucking minds and decided to deface the new currency; you know, as a welcome back.
You know what I don’t do a lot? Watch movies in the theater, and I’ll tell you why. With the invention of the DVD I no longer have a purpose of going to the theater. Sure I can watch the movie before the rental, but come on, I’m a patient guy. I have a nice sized television; ok, it’s only 36” but I have been eyeing up those projectors that can put up to a 10 foot diagonal picture up for you. Oh yeah baby, that’s what I’m talking about. I have surround sound and god dammit I can make popcorn at my house and I don’t even have to take a loan out for it.
There’s one more downfall to the theater experience I haven’t even mentioned yet and I feel I should since it’s the biggest deterrent of them all; the other people. They are the fucking worst, and every one of them seems to have a cell phone they so badly need to talk on while they are in the theater. Hey fuck nut, the phone has two buttons you may not be aware of, one of which you should push now. One is silent and the other is off. Do you think that it is actually possible for you to turn your telephone off and sit in peace and quiet for the entire 89 minutes this film lasts? You know, it’s not all the cell phone assholes either, sometimes it’s just a group of fuckers and they’re talking; talking too loud. I think for me to enjoy the theater scene anymore they really need to bring back ushers and give them tazer guns. That way if any of these little teeny bop fuckers are talking too much on their cell phone, or the over bred and overweight soccer mom is munching too loudly on her sixth box of candy and slurping too loudly on her 128oz jug of Coke, then the usher can come over and zap the mother fucker and I can continue to watch my movie in peace and quiet. Fuck it, I’ll just wait for the DVD to come out.