Christmas is one of the most wonderful times of the year; at least that's what the song says. The stores seem to start wanting you to begin buying in September. If you're like me it’s just another day. A day you can get some free shit out of that is. Here are some tips for planning to help make it a great time of year.
- The bigger the tree, the more presents that will fit under it.
- If you don't at least triple your electric bill when you decorate, you're not really trying are you.
- Anyone receiving a crappy gift that smiles and says it's the thought that counts is a liar.
- Don't pay any attention to those whiny Chanukah bastards.
- If you have to go to the in-laws for Christmas then make sure you consume plenty of spiked eggnog before you go so you don't have to remember that shit in the morning.
- Consume as much candy and baked goods as you want to over Christmas so you have a good New Years Resolution to make about losing weight.
- When decorating the tree make sure you put enough ornaments on it so you can't even recognize there is a tree underneath.
- Some people have started hanging their trees from the ceiling; of course some people are also retarded.
- Start practicing your fake smile now to fool all your relatives into thinking you are enjoying your time visiting with their sorry asses.
- Suggesting a gift you want works somewhat like pricing items at a garage sale. You can go down in price but not back up.
- Remember if you're little nephew Johnny goes crazy and kills a bunch of kids in school, it's probably because of that ugly sweater you got him for Christmas when he was 5.
- Whoever said 'Tis the Season to be Jolly has never stood in a two hour line at Wal Mart to buy some stupid Harry Potter toy.
- Ethel, nobody wants you stupid family update letters, got it? We don't care if Bobby got his braces off, he's 33 for cripes sake.
- Many people get depressed at Christmas time, probably because they got a shitty gift.
- Remember, it's better to give that to receive... yeah, if we're talking punching.
- Sending out Christmas Cards is meaningless, if you are going to see the person you don't need to send a card, and you if don't see them then fuck 'em.
- Christmas is a strictly Christian holiday; which just happens to be the only federal recognized religious holiday... damn, break out the eggnog it's time to party.