Christmas Planning

Christmas is one of the most wonderful times of the year; at least that's what the song says. The stores seem to start wanting you to begin buying in September. If you're like me it’s just another day. A day you can get some free shit out of that is. Here are some tips for planning to help make it a great time of year.

The bigger the tree, the more presents that will fit under it.

If you don't at least triple your electric bill when you decorate, you're not really trying are you.

Anyone receiving a crappy gift that smiles and says it's the thought that counts is a liar.

Don't pay any attention to those whiny Chanukah bastards.

If you have to go to the in-laws for Christmas then make sure you consume plenty of spiked eggnog before you go so you don't have to remember that shit in the morning.

Consume as much candy and baked goods as you want to over Christmas so you have a good New Years Resolution to make about losing weight.

When decorating the tree make sure you put enough ornaments on it so you can't even recognize there is a tree underneath.

Some people have started hanging their trees from the ceiling; of course some people are also retarded.

Start practicing your fake smile now to fool all your relatives into thinking you are enjoying your time visiting with their sorry asses.

Suggesting a gift you want works somewhat like pricing items at a garage sale. You can go down in price but not back up.

Remember if you're little nephew Johnny goes crazy and kills a bunch of kids in school, it's probably because of that ugly sweater you got him for Christmas when he was 5.

Whoever said 'Tis the Season to be Jolly has never stood in a two hour line at Wal Mart to buy some stupid Harry Potter toy.

Ethel, nobody wants you stupid family update letters, got it? We don't care if Bobby got his braces off, he's 33 for cripes sake.

Many people get depressed at Christmas time, probably because they got a shitty gift.

Remember, it's better to give that to receive... yeah, if we're talking punching.

Sending out Christmas Cards is meaningless, if you are going to see the person you don't need to send a card, and you if don't see them then fuck 'em.

Christmas is a strictly Christian holiday; which just happens to be the only federal recognized religious holiday... damn, break out the eggnog it's time to party.