There are plenty of things to worry about out there. Most people worry if they are going to pay their bills on time this month; if you knocked that girl up last night; is your crack dealer going to show up on time, things like that. Just in case you didn’t already have enough heavy shit on your shoulders, here is a lot more to worry about.
- Giant comets crashing into the Earth
- Genital herpes
- Being shot for flipping off that car that cut you off
- Your alarm clock not going off
- Itching powder in your “hand” lotion
- Spontaneous combustion
- Sneezing related brain aneurysm
- Alien abduction
- Your credit cards expiring
- Failed marriage
- No parking spots at the mall
- Dog humping your cat – cat seemingly enjoying it
- M&M’s melting in your hand
- Wet farts
- Faulty strings on your tampon
- Cockroaches in your pizza
- Paper cuts
- Killer bees
- Armed girl scouts
- Your 6yr old nephew outscoring you in Nintendo
- Corporate cutbacks
- Baby puke
- New wristwatch cutting off your circulation
- Homemade chocolate isn’t really “chocolate”
- Someone stealing your “Weird Al” tapes
- Your 8-track player breaking
- Outlawing of smoking
- Evaporation of the Ozone Layer
- Ace Ventura Trilogy idea scrapped
- Favorite show being canceled
- Wrestling is fake
- Legalization of murder
- The return of DISCO
- Oxygen causes cancer
- Shania Twain not posing nude
- Lost remote control
- Santa Clause is not real
- The IRS
- Your cat’s addiction to catnip
- Your Viagra not kicking in until you get to church
- Is your calculator correct?
- Infrared rays from your computer screen melting your brain
- Similarities between the size of canned cat food and cans of tuna
- Arctic snowstorms
- Working at the post office during a layoff
- Giving a speech in your underwear
- Spending way too much of your life online
- The GAP shuts down due to moth infestation
- Your Internet girlfriend is really a man
- Jerry Springer decides you’re not fucked up enough to be on the show
- “Beef” not listed as an ingredient in your beef jerky
- Post Office opens your “Anal Intruder” package claiming it was ‘suspicious’
- Seeing your ex-girlfriend win on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”
- Your psychic demands you pay up front; tonight
- The hamster is missing – and you’re constipated!
- That Sunday you missed church – in 1975
- They are playing your favorite song – on the OLDIES CHANNEL
- Being tricked into joining a cult
- Age spots on your balls
- Sleeping through the next sexual revolution
- Y3K Scare