Worry About This

wryThere are plenty of things to worry about out there. Most people worry if they are going to pay their bills on time this month; if you knocked that girl up last night; is your crack dealer going to show up on time, things like that. Just in case you didn’t already have enough heavy shit on your shoulders, here is a lot more to worry about.

  • Giant comets crashing into the Earth
  • Genital herpes
  • Being shot for flipping off that car that cut you off
  • Your alarm clock not going off
  • Itching powder in your “hand” lotion
  • Spontaneous combustion
  • Sneezing related brain aneurysm
  • Alien abduction
  • Your credit cards expiring
  • Failed marriage
  • No parking spots at the mall
  • Dog humping your cat – cat seemingly enjoying it
  • M&M’s melting in your hand
  • Wet farts
  • Faulty strings on your tampon
  • Cockroaches in your pizza
  • Paper cuts
  • Killer bees
  • Armed girl scouts
  • Your 6yr old nephew outscoring you in Nintendo
  • Corporate cutbacks
  • Baby puke
  • New wrist watch cutting off your circulation
  • Homemade chocolate isn’t really “chocolate”
  • Someone stealing your “Weird Al” tapes
  • Your 8 track player breaking
  • Outlawing of smoking
  • Evaporation of the Ozone Layer
  • Ace Ventura Trilogy idea scrapped
  • Favorite show being canceled
  • Wrestling is fake
  • Legalization of murder
  • The return of DISCO
  • Oxygen causes cancer
  • Shania Twain not posing nude
  • Lost remote control
  • Santa Clause is not real
  • The IRS
  • Your cat’s addiction to catnip
  • Your Viagra not kicking in until you get to Church
  • Is your calculator really right?
  • Infrared rays from your computer screen melting your brain
  • Similarities between the size of canned cat food and cans of tuna
  • Arctic snow storms
  • Working at the post office during a layoff
  • Giving a speech in your underwear
  • Spending way too much of your life online
  • The GAP shuts down due to moth infestation
  • Your Internet girlfriend is really a man
  • Jerry Springer decides you’re not fucked up enough to be on the show
  • “Beef” not listed as an ingredient in your beef jerky
  • Post Office opens your “Anal Intruder” package claiming it was ‘suspicious’
  • Seeing your ex-girlfriend win on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”
  • Your psychic demands you pay up front; tonight
  • The hamster is missing – and you’re constipated!
  • That Sunday you missed church – in 1975
  • They are playing your favorite song – on the OLDIES CHANNEL
  • Being tricked into joining a cult
  • Age spots on your balls
  • Sleeping through the next sexual revolution
  • Y3K Scare

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