Women Problems. What is that, an oxymoron or a redundant statement? Even though I could probably go into a whole rant about women, I won’t. Instead I will talk about problems women have and the shit they have to put up with – from my point of view of course.
First up – PMS. Have you ever seen a catfight? Women are scary when they get pissed. PMS is a very frightening thing for us men. When we ask how was your day, we usually don’t expect to have a small appliance thrown at us. Just curiously, exactly how many days is PMS supposed to last anyway? I seem to think that 24 days may just be stretching it a little. Of course after that lovely PMS goes away, part 2 heads right in to take over.
Menstruation. What the hell is that about? (Aside from the biological reasons of course) At least if you could line that shit up with bill time or something, then it might come in handy. “Uh oh, I’m cramping, must be time to pay my Citibank card.” After a few hundred years of industrialization you would think we would have developed a better way to deal with this. How do we handle it now? Maxi pads of course, which are nothing more than a small absorbent diaper. So why are there different absorbencies anyway? There only needs to be one kind of absorbency called “don’t want to bleed all over my new jeans”. It is as bad as pantiliners. Why the hell do they even make those? It is obviously an item for the risk taker. That’s like wearing your spring jacket on a trip to Siberia. I’ve also seen this new “thong” pantiliner. What the FUCK? If it’s for a thong bikini, that’s just wrong. False advertising if you ask me. The only real purpose that pantiliners serve is for the old women who piss themselves but are too embarrassed to buy adult diapers. Come on, 83 year old woman buying pantiliners, we know you haven’t seen your period since Nixon was in office Thelma! Now skip the pads and lets move on to tampons shall we? Don’t exactly know the mechanics involved, don’t really want to know. I do however know that they are associated with TSS. That’s Toxic Shock Syndrome. So basically using them could kill you. Fuck that, if I were a woman I’d just lay in the bathtub and bleed for five days. Of course there is always the other option to avoid this messy period thing for about nine months.
Pregnancy. I do not know how a woman can give birth. Looks pretty painful to me. I’ve taken shits that have almost brought tears to my eyes, and none of them were anywhere near ten pounds and twenty inches long. To carry around something that gets so big, and to carry it for so long, putting up with all the aches and pains. The genetic engineering department should get right on this matter I think. I suggest crossing a woman’s vagina with the mouth of a snake. When it comes to that whole birth thing, just unhinge that sun of a bitch and drop it out.
Ok, that’s enough of your problems, now I have one of my own. I will state this in the form of a question. What the hell is with women’s bathrooms? If you walk into a women’s bathroom you usually have one of two options. Option one is you walk in and there is another door. What the fuck is this, the foyer? Option two is some kind of a rat maze. Both of these options are apparently meant to keep men from seeing the glory of the women’s bathroom. In any event it is for privacy and to keep people from looking into the bathroom. Don’t you women have those metal barriers around the toilets like us guys? Check out our bathroom once, just be careful when you open the door, because you will probably hit the guy taking a piss in the unguarded urinal behind the door. We don’t have foyers and we don’t have mazes. It’s just a urinal, a door and us. Shit, we usually don’t even have a lock on our door.
On a side note, don’t bitch at us at home when we don’t put the seat down. Do you ever put the seat up for us? No you don’t, and then when we piss on it because we didn’t notice, you get all mad about that. Hey just be happy the damn thing was down. But you know something? You can keep your fancy ass bathrooms. Just realize it’s a package deal that goes along with the whole PMS/Period/Childbirth dilemma.