So You Say It’s Your Birthday?

You know, birthdays were awesome when I was younger and another year didn’t make me realize I was just enjoying a countdown to death. Birthdays are different for everyone, but here is what I think about them.

When you are a kid birthdays are awesome, I mean really, free presents. Depending on your memory capabilities and how many brain cells you have killed in your teenage and adult life, you probably can remember as far back as being four. Did you have a shitty birthday as a kid? Most likely not, unless you had a shitty life or someone died on your birthday. If that happened then you are probably scarred for life and only get 10 minutes a day on the net in the asylum so I’m not too concerned with you reading this.

Your first birthday is probably the best one, which kind of sucks that you don’t remember it. You’re brand new, your parents didn’t accidentally (or intentionally) kill you for a whole year. There’s plenty to celebrate, you get put in your high chair with a cake of your own that you get to go to town on. The messier the better, it makes for good pictures, home movies or whatever you call the shit you record with your smart phone these days.

Your second through ninth birthdays are pretty much the same shit different year type. The only difference is instead of getting Lego’s or some kids stuff, you are getting better things. Don’t worry, you always have that annoying aunt that will get you clothes no matter how old you are.

Your first big birthday of any importance is your tenth. Holy shit, you just made it to double digits so that is impressive. You’re not one of those single digit bastards anymore, you’re a one-zero, unlike the rest of the babies.

The next important birthday you will have is going to be your 13th. Welcome to your teenage years and to your new job of seriously annoying the shit out of your parents with pretty much every thing you do.

You lay low for a few years, then you hit the best birthday yet… 16. You are kinda/sorta an adult now. You can drive and go out on dates, get a curfew to break that means something. You also get to go out and get your own job. Being 16 and working is nice because even though work sucks, as a teenager, who really gives a shit right? Sure you can’t vote yet, but I can & don’t, so don’t worry about it. Enjoy it, in two years you will earn that right and not use it.

Holy shit, you’re finally 18 years old. This birthday is awesome too. You’ve turned 18, you’re done or almost done with high school, you may or may have not had a kid already which is a whole other post. Seriously, you are bordering on the doorstep of adulthood now. It is time to head off to college and do some serious partying… um, I mean learning. You still have to wait a few more years to drink (legally), so you’re not officially and adult yet.

Bow down to the holy grail of birthdays… you are now 21 and can do legally what you’ve been doing for the past three years. Welcome to your legal binge drinking years. You are probably still in college and will most likely kill all the brain cells holding the accumulated information from college in your last year there, but hey, it’s college – party on.

I hope you’ve enjoyed your trek of birthdays so far, because that was the last fun one for you, now people will only give a shit about your birthday when it is followed by a zero. Did I forget to mention that they won’t celebrate the birthday for you, it is for them to remind you of how old you are getting. Your 30th will be the nicest one you get from them. You will get a few “old person” jokes and maybe a black balloon or two, but for the most part it will be pretty civil. You may feel like shit because you were a 20 year old and now holy fuck, you’re a 30 year old. This is where your college education comes in and you realize how old you’ll be in 10 years.

The next one you will celebrate will be to totally make you feel like shit. Happy 40th asshole, welcome to the old person club. You will be decked out with black balloons and a black cake and anything else that can represent death & happiness all at the same time. Enjoy it because half of them will probably be dead by your next big birthday celebration.

The next two you really celebrate will be your 50th & 60th. These can be lumped together because it is just a lot more of the shit you tolerated on your 40th. You can only be told so many times that you are over the hill and so old they are surprised you’re not dead etc… before it just becomes commonplace. They can still do this even while you’re 60 because you haven’t retired yet and are still working. That makes you fair game.

After that, you will celebrate your 70th birthday. This one will be more mellow because they can’t give you shit anymore about one foot in the grave, because you probably really do have one in there. People start getting nicer when you get older, mostly because they want you to put them in your will. Regardless your 70th birthday going forward to your funeral will usually just be a somber “holy shit you’re still alive” type of party. Enjoy your cake and pass your cynical knowledge onto the youngsters so they can be scarred for life. It is your legacy.



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