I don’t know how the women’s bathrooms are set up, although I’m sure they are complete with fountains and couches and golden tampon dispensers. My bathroom however consists of a toilet surrounded by less light weight metal than my fucking bike, a urinal and a sink. That’s all there is in my bathroom at work. Now I attempt to avoid shitting at work whenever possible, but sometimes even I have to make exceptions; like that time I mistook that bottle of magnesium citrate for 7 UP. Ah, who am I kidding, 7 UP will make anyone sick.
I hate having to shit at work. The biggest problem is that in the men’s bathroom if the door gets swung open everyone that is standing outside of it can see in. We don’t have that lovely rat maze of a fucking hallway that you women have. They put that in there so men don’t peer into the women’s bathrooms; what are we all perverts? Anyway, I see the rat maze thing when I’m out and about peering into the ladies room and wonder why we can’t have that. Well, we can’t have that now, instead we are totally exposed, and in most cases without as much as a fucking lock on the door.
Forgetting the whole people outside the restroom that can see you and not to mention hear you… oh yeah, that’s another thing, if you’re extremely gaseous that day everyone’s going to know. That door may be steel out there, but it sure the hell isn’t soundproof. But let’s just forget about those people standing outside because honestly, if they could smell what the Rock is cooking… well they wouldn’t be standing there now would they? Now let’s get to the poor bastards that make the mistake of actually walking into the bathroom while I’m trying to do my business. Of course when they walk in you stop. You have to stop, even if you’re in mid shit because you can’t have the noise of farts or water splashing going on… then they might think you’re taking a shit. So obviously you have to be extra quiet, which includes no grunting or groaning. You also have to watch the shadows to make sure everyone is clear before you resume doing your dirty deed.
That’s the big disadvantage to taking a shit at work. You’re behind this mini wall, but the bottom 12 inches are totally open. That means that you can’t see who is coming into the bathroom, but those fuckers can see your shoes. That’s the first thing I do when I go into the bathroom to take a piss or wash my hands is check out the shoes of the person in the stall. I need to know who that is so I can avoid having to shake their hand at a later time. Hell, if something that bad smelling came out of your ass and you obviously and hopefully wiped it and I don’t know which hand you use to wipe… well let’s just nod at one another.
So when you’re the one stuck in the stall shitting and those fuckers are out there looking at your shoes, it’s to your disadvantage. That’s why I always bring along a change of shoes. That’s right; I bring a second pair to throw on when I go to the shitter, then after my business is done and I’m sure no one else is in the bathroom I slip my regular ones on and throw the old ones back above the ceiling tiles. You can’t be too careful these days. That way if someone walks in the bathroom while you’re washing your hands you can say… “Who was the guy with the ratty old Adidas shoes on stinking up the place? Well, me and my Nikes are going to get back to work now.” If you don’t take that precaution then you wind up walking around work and someone comes up to you and says “Hey there, nice shoes… you stinky bastard.” You know you can’t be having that now.