I Didn’t Do It
Just for the record and because everyone is throwing accusations around; not to mention suing them, I need to clarify that I did not do nor take any part in many of the following things:
- The whole slavery thing… I was totally not alive for that.
- That showing up in America and killing the Indians and taking their land… once again, not me.
- Dropping the A-bomb on Japan … still not me.
- Mt St. Helens blowing up in the 80’s… I was only 10 or so at the time, plus I’m pretty sure I was grounded that week.
- JFK… hey I know this shit happened before I was born; although that would be a new twist on a conspiracy theory.
- Elvis… I neither played a part in his death or the 64,002,531 sightings since his death.
- OJ Simpson. I didn’t tell him to kill those people; I just merely mentioned that I wouldn’t put up with that shit.
- Reality TV… fuck, I don’t even watch the shit let alone participate in it.
- Nancy Kerrigan, I didn’t know her and I wasn’t offered money to whack her knee… no matter what Harding says.
- George W. Bush, I didn’t vote for him.
- The Hindenburg; I did not sell the cigarettes to the pilot.
- When I helped Michael Jackson write the song Billy-Jean, I meant for Billy-Jean to be a girl.
- That one time you said your drink tasted slightly like urine… I know nothing.
- Using your great grandpa’s irreplaceable stamp collection to send out the sweepstakes entries, that wasn’t me.
- I totally did not steal your Yanni or Kenny G CD’s.
- I did not sell your grandma’s ashes and urn on Ebay.