Is it just me or are we celebrating way to much shit in this country? I realized this the first time I saw Halloween cards. YES. Halloween Greeting Cards. What in the hell is going on here? If I ever get a Halloween Card, I’ll slap somebody. Let’s take an overview of some of the more popular holidays, starting at the beginning of the year shall we?
New Years: Why is this a Holiday? Is it because you get to buy a new calendar? Why not have a New Month Day at the first of every month then also? Might as well be consistent.
Valentines Day: Wow, a day of love. There’s really no sense trying to explain this one, you either buy flowers and candy or you sleep on the couch.
St. Patrick’s Day: This isn’t really a major holiday, there are some card sales and what not, but mostly this is a holiday for the bars. A good old fashioned drinking holiday!
Good Friday: This one goes along with Easter. Apparently from what I’ve gathered, Good Friday is when Jesus was apparently crucified, or even when he died. Wow, if that’s good Friday, I’d hate to see Bad Friday.
Easter: A long time ago this had something to do with religion, but now it’s just about some bunny giving kids a basket with rabbit shit shaped chocolates and toys. How did this start anyway, Jesus was resurrected and decided to hide some eggs?
April Fool’s Day: What the hell is this? Although you don’t get a day off from work, you’re free and clear to play practical jokes on all the assholes you work with… maybe this holiday isn’t so bad after all.
May Day: When I was a kid I remember being coerced into making little baskets of goodies and placing them on someone’s doorstep, ringing the bell and then leaving before they saw you. You know, a month ago you were doing the same thing with a bag of flaming dog shit.
Mother’s Day: A day to recognize your mother. That’s fine, but I was wondering when Mother’s Day became Women’s day. It’s time for the mothers to take this holiday back. All your coworkers that don’t have kids…. Fuck em! It’s your day, not theirs.
Father’s Day: See Mother’s Day, substitute the word father for mother, and there you go!
Memorial Day: This is basically a day to make you feel guilty for not putting flowers on a loved ones grave. Personally the whole grave thing does nothing for me, to me it’s just a stone; your tribute is in your heart, your memories and pictures, not some granite stone on a piece of land.
July4th: The day we celebrate our independence. How do you ask? By getting shit faced and lighting highly explosive materials near our homes and children. Wow!
Labor Day: I have no Idea what the hell purpose this day serves, except that I get the day off from work. No work on labor day – should be called No Labor Day.
Christmas: Yeah I put Christmas before Halloween because it seems to start sometime in September. It’s so bad I expect the months September, October, November and December to be referred to as “The 4 Months of Christmas” soon. This was a religious holiday once also.
Halloween: Well, I can deal with the candy and dressing up, but the damn decorations have got to go. We do not need Halloween Lights, ok? People in California have no electricity and you have light up fuckin pumpkins in your window. So you spend $20 on a good costume for your child, then go door to door begging for candy, then thoroughly inspect it because you really can’t trust anyone, and then you get to eat it. Wouldn’t it be easier just to buy the Snickers for $2, turn off the lights and eat til you puke?
Thanksgiving: Speaking of eating til you puke! This is the holiday that upsets the Weight Watcher people (actually they get more customers this way). So we celebrate this one because the pilgrims came to the US and ate dinner with the Indians. This was obviously before that whole Reservation thing happened.
Birthdays: What the hell is this all about? I was born on this day. Like you deserve shit for that. Your mother should get a present for that, some kind of sorry I caused you to shout profanities at doctors, the nurses and Dad. There are entirely too many birthday cards also, there should only be one birthday card-Congratulations on not dying!