Garage Sales

grsaleWhat the hell is up with the whole garage sale phenomenon? Someone goes through their house and finds piles of shit that they have absolutely no use for anymore and they decide instead of throwing it in the garbage where it belongs, they will sell it instead. The scary part of all this is that someone will come along and buy this shit.

If you ever go to someone’s garage sale you’ll realize that half of what is for sale looks like it was purchased at a garage sale itself. In case you haven’t noticed garage sale is only a “B” away from being a garbage sale. Garbage sale indeed.

If you participate in garage sales you have the choice of two directions. Number one, you can have the sale. This involves rounding up all the shit you own but no longer like. You know, stuff like that salt and pepper shaker shaped like a couple of penises. So you round up all of this stuff and then you have to determine how much some schmuck would pay for your seconds. Now you know right off the bat that these assholes are going to try and get you to sell for less here, so now you have to put an imaginary markup on the shit. Honestly, if someone comes to your sale and can’t handle the responsibility of spending a fucking quarter on a soap dish, then perhaps they aren’t the most stable person you should be bartering with. So you either mark your shit realistically or you make the fake high prices hoping someone comes by and talks you down; therefore making them feel like they got a break and you feeling good because that dumbass still paid $1.00 for a hollowed out coconut.

Of course now that you’ve decided to take the plunge and have the garage sale, there are all kinds of things you need to do. You have to set the sale up. You must transform your garage; you know the home for your cars, into a place of business. You have to find a home for all of the shit that normally sits out in the garage, like the lawnmower and bikes; otherwise people are going to think those are for sale too. Now you need to make tables out of old doors and wood, layout all of your shit you’ve decided to part with and buy a roll of masking tape to sticker everything. We’ve already covered the decision making process you’ll go through, now you just have to physically mark everything. You have to get money. You are suddenly like your own business. Sure, a shitty little business, but a business nonetheless. So you must go to the bank and get a ton of change. Then you have to either make some signs or put an ad in the local paper, or both. Nothing pleases your neighbors more than you standing in their yard at 6am on a Saturday pounding a garage sale sign into their expensive grass.

Now you’re ready to have the sale, better hope it doesn’t rain. Of course plan to spend the entire day listening to peoples problems and hearing about how they could have gotten that item at another garage sale across town for only $1.00. Then of course there are the people that have to converse with their spouse over a certain item and want you to hold it until they get back. Yes, better talk to the hubby before you buy that $2.00 coffee pot. All in all you will probably be rather disappointed that you took a day off of work for this shit. There are two days of your life you’ll never get back of course. Hopefully it was worth it for the haul of $54.25 that you brought in.

With all of that money you just made you can now join the Number 2 option. You can be the one to go to the garage sales. You know, when I buy something, I like to go to the store and find what I’m looking for and buy it. I don’t usually just go to the store and buy whatever I find. That’s what a garage sale is. You’re saying, hey I have $20 in my wallet and I’m going to stop at this house with the balloons on the mailbox and dig through their old stuff and maybe buy something. Yes, you’ll get on the wife’s good side when you bring home the warped mirror that makes her look fatter than she is; especially when she finds out that you paid $5 for it. Of course now that you’ve spent a week’s savings at various garage sales in your community, you now need to take all of this shit home and figure out what you are going to do with it. Most of the time there really isn’t much you can do with it. In fact, most of it is probably going to end up in the basement until next year until you have a garage sale of your own. And much like the pass around fruitcake at Christmastime, the never ending evil cycle continues.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *