I love DVDs. As far as most of the new technology that I’ve seen in my lifetime, the DVD ranks towards the top. DVDs are doing to the VHS what CDs did to the cassette. In fact, I feel like a VHS is more like an 8-track comparative to how much of a leap the DVD was. For someone who thinks so highly of the DVD, why does this end up in the gripes section of my website you ask? Plain and simple, let me lay out the situation for you.
First the minor bitch. Why the hell are these things sealed up like Fort Knox? I know that some people steal them, so fine, lock the fuckers up behind a big glass door and I will select which one I want like I’m at the damn deli. So why do you have to seal up the damn thing on each side that opens? Isn’t it shrink wrapped in plastic already? So, I go home after I purchase my movie and I have to remove the shrink wrap. Then after that task, which is a pain in the ass if you don’t have fingernails or a razorblade, you have to pull the three strips off. That is no easy task mind you. The three strips are adhesive backed and if I said they peeled off I’d be lying. You have to basically remove them in pieces because I have never had one of those rip off in one piece. I can understand the one on top with the title of the movie so god forbid those people at Wal Mart don’t have to actually try and read the front of the DVD, but what is with the ones on the bottom and the side? Did Bob at the DVD factory accidentally order too many plastic sealers and now you just have to use them all up? It gets frustrating and I think you should just fire Bob’s ass instead of irritating the rest of us. This pisses me off more than that fucking silver dog bone shaped thing they put on CDs for a while. Anyway, onto the real problem here.
An awesome movie is coming out this week that you just have to own on DVD. So, you go down to your favorite retailer and buy the movie. You take it home and watch it and enjoy it like you knew you would. Suddenly, say two months later, there is a new version of your favorite movie re-released onto DVD. Now they’ve decided to put all sorts of extra shit on the DVD like an hour’s worth of deleted scenes, an alternate ending and full commentary that you have absolutely no intention of ever listening to, but god dammit you want it. Well, now you’re really pissed off. Here is this DVD sitting at home and this new super DVD is sitting at the store staring at you pulling you into the thoughts that it must be bought because it makes the one at home utter useless shit.
Yes, that is the downfall of the DVD industry. They sucker you into the purchase by selling you an awesome movie on a 4″ piece of plastic (that if you own the proper home audio equipment you can mimic the sound in the theater) and the picture is crystal clear as well. So much better than that shitty video tape version you had. Of course, you replaced your old VHS copy with the new DVD version and then all of the sudden they decide to dig in the archives and re-release this and yes, you will buy it for the third time. You know you want to because you are an entertainment slut just like me. The one I feel sorry for is the geeks that bought the Lord of the Rings DVD and then all of the sudden they came out with this kick ass 5 or 6 DVD set with everything under the damn sun. Now had I purchased the original DVD when it came out, I’d be highly pissed, and might I add, rightly so. In fact, I think the last thing they would have had to worry about is where to find their precious ring, because they would be too upset about having a six DVD set shoved up their ass.
All in all, it is nothing more than a conspiracy. They know that we are mere slaves to the entertainment industry, and we will suck up our favorite products every time they are thrown onto the store shelves.
Another thing those assholes do, although it’s not really the DVD assholes this time, but the actual movie studio is to kill a trilogy. Hey, we have this fancy ass trilogy available on DVD that we sold to all you yahoos and now the studio has decided that they are going to make a fourth. Sure, it was originally a trilogy, but look how many of you dumb asses bought that trilogy (the original and the super-duper re-release) and we know you will all not only see it in the theater but will buy it as soon as it comes out onto DVD. We also know you retards will buy it again when it becomes part of the 4 DVD collection with the two bonus DVDs with hours of meaningless bonus footage. Yes, bend over a little farther you DVD consumers; we’re going all the way this time.
The only time I got screwed on this was on the Die Hard Trilogy. I actually bought the Die Hard/Die Harder 2 VHS set a long time ago. Then suddenly they came out with Die Hard with a Vengeance, and I thought well shit. Now I’ve got this two VHS set and a third straggler video. Then all of the sudden I’m seeing the Die Hard Trilogy on VHS in all of these cool varieties, you know, letterbox and full screen, all of that shit. I didn’t know what to think, should I buy the trilogy or not? I opted not to, and I was glad when the DVD’s started coming out so strong. Then it happened, the Die Hard Trilogy came out on DVD. Three wonderful DVD’s full of my favorite movies just asking me to buy it… but I didn’t. I don’t know why, perhaps I was too cheap at the time or maybe I can predict the future, but I didn’t buy this 3 DVD set. About six months to a year later I realized that being an indecisive lazy bastard can pay off sometimes. I bought the 6 DVD Die Hard trilogy. That’s right fuckers; there were 3 bonus discs in this bitch. There was this sweet case that mimicked brushed aluminum and each movie had a full DVD of bonus material and it kicked ass. Deleted scenes, alternate endings, insider secrets, it was all here. I finally beat the system. I waited long enough and purchased the final product because I knew that there wasn’t any more that they could add to the set. That was until they announced that they are going to be filming Die Hard 4. You motherfuckers.
So, I try not to participate in this much. The only other revamped DVD I really own is the Something about Mary DVD that they re-released as There’s Something More About Mary, and the only reason I have that is because I also replaced my VHS with it. I don’t think five extra minutes of anything is worth purchasing the entire movie over for. Unless you are an extreme fan of the movie, it shouldn’t make much of a difference. I just hope the music industry doesn’t start this shit. You know, put out a CD now and then a month or two later re-release the same CD but actually put some decent songs on it. I say put your best foot forward and let it go with that, don’t keep trying to reinvent the wheel.