For over twelve years now I have been wasting away in a bullshit retail job. Aside from how much I hate the company that I work for, I have made another exciting observation in this whole field of work. Customers Suck. Do you people realize what pains in the asses you are? You fuckers are never happy, never satisfied and always looking to start some shit. With the help of my friend Lisa in Ohio (another retail slave), I have compiled a list of rules. Read them, understand them, obey them. If you are guilty of them, we’re coming for you.
1. Just because you saw something on TV does not mean we have it, and if you insist on asking for some item then do me a favor. Know the fucking name. This is not charades so please don’t stand there and try to describe the item to me. No name, no idea, got it?
2. Do not stand in the stomach medicine section with a puzzled look on your face and when I ask you if I can help you find something, you say… “Where is the canned salmon?” What the hell are you over here for? At least look in an aisle with food in it you dumb sunofabitch.
3. If you don’t speak my language, don’t ask me for shit. This is America, and English is the main language. I will not learn your language so I can help you find dandruff shampoo.
4. Don’t come in here thinking that something you bought eight years ago is still something we carry; and please don’t lie and say you just bought one last week and it was right here. You didn’t buy one last week, they’ve been discontinued for over two years, and when you finally do get it through your thick skull that it’s gone, don’t say something stupid like… “Oh, they must have found out I liked that.” Yeah, I’m sure they said “Hey Lois really likes that Kiwi Lime Douche, let’s stop making that today!”
5. If I am working in the aisle with my work uniform on and a name tag, don’t ask me if I work here? Gee, what tipped you off? Next time I am going to say no, do you work here; because I am looking for the canned sardines and I just can’t seem to find them. Then there is the opposite, the customers who when I am leaving work with my uniform off and no name tag and my keys in my hand, comes up to me asking me for help. Look jackass, I have been here for at least 8 hours and I do not have time to answer any questions, I’m not getting paid now, you’re not getting helped now, end of story.
6. Just because I am standing next to a section in the store, understand I am not the appointed expert on these items. If I am next to the hair color, do not start asking me what will look good and what my recommendations are. First, I recommend you get a fucking life and give your hair a break, and no, blue is not your color. Second, if I tell you a certain color and you don’t like it, your stupid ass is probably going to want a refund, aren’t you?
7. Please note that the store is set up for you to go in and buy products. This is not a recreation center. Do not assemble in groups at the end of the aisles and talk about stupid shit. No one cares, and you are blocking everyone else’s way. We do not need our customers being stuck here; we want to get them the hell out of here as fast as possible before they do something stupid.
8. If you ask me for something and I tell you we do not have it, don’t run up front and ask the cashier if we have it. The cashier has no idea if we do or not, and guess what she is going to do? She is going to call my ass up front so I can once again tell you that we do not carry this item, and now I am never going to order this item because I know it will piss you off.
9. Do not tell me about my competitor. I don’t really give a shit. If Joe’s Store on the corner still carries this one item you can’t live without, then waltz your ass down there and buy it because I can’t get it in. Do you really think I never go into the competitors store, and yes, sometimes I actually take the time to look for these mystery items you say they have that I don’t. Do you know that 95% of the time, they don’t have them? So I ask the guy behind the counter and he says we don’t have them, but some customer said that the store down the street does. Guess you need to read rule number four again asshole!
10. When I am setting up a new holiday section, don’t walk up to me and say “Wow, Halloween already?” Well, let’s check the calendar. Yep, it’s September, I’ll bet you it’s time for that already. And don’t remind me that we are rushing things. Yeah, ok marketing genius, I’ll just put all this Halloween stuff in the back until October 30th.
11. Why is it wherever I just happen to be going to stock something, someone has to park their big fat ass in my way, and not buy a DAMN thing, just look at it long enough to piss me off. The other times is when I’m down on my knees stocking something and I have to get up to let a customer through, and they don’t even look at stuff in my aisle. They’re just taking a shortcut to the Milk. Fuckers.
12. On holiday’s if I answer the phone, that is a very good sign that we are opened because I’m sure they wouldn’t just pay me to answer the phone to tell your dumb ass that we are closed. So don’t ask me if we are open, but please repeatedly ask me how late we are open once I convince you that we are indeed open for business.
13. Just because I work at customer service does not mean you can call me up and ask me the name and number of the store down the road. If you’re not smart enough to open the damn phone book yourself, then don’t bother me, I’m at work and really don’t give a shit what the number for Pete’s Porno Palace down the street is.
14. This is not a home shopping network. Do not call and think you can place your order by phone. This also applies to you people calling to “see” if we have an item. Ok, if it is some exotic thing I will let that slide, but don’t call us up and ask if we have Ice Cream! Hmmm… Let me see, I know we have Ice, and I know we have Cream, but Ice Cream? I’ll have to call headquarters. We are a fucking grocery store-of course we have ice cream! And when I tell you yes we do, don’t ask me how much it is!
15. Ok, on to you video renting people. Most places give you two days for a rental. That is anywhere from 36 to 48 hours depending on when you get them. Why can you not watch this two hour movie in that time frame and bring it back on time? If you can not handle such a small task, perhaps you aren’t intelligent enough to operate a VCR in the first place. Hey, maybe that’s the problem. You couldn’t figure out what to do with it. After studying the cassette for two days you finally figure out how to put it in your VCR. Just realize that renting is a privilege, not a right. If you can’t handle the awesome responsibility of returning a video, maybe you shouldn’t enjoy the privilege either.
16. People how damn hard is it to rewind a fucking movie? A seven year old can figure it out why can’t you? Hey if you let the movie go all the way to the end, most new machines will rewind it for you. If not your machine has a button that has one or two arrows that point to the left. Guess what, that’s the fucking rewind button – just push it in. Holy shit that’s all it takes. If you can’t handle that, don’t get pissy about the 50¢ we charge to do it for you.
17. Another thing. If a movie is in the theater right now, you know what? It’s not on our fucking shelves for rent. And do not tell me that you saw the preview for that on the tape you just rented. Had you fully understood the English Language, you would have also picked up on the part saying “in theaters now”. Do you call the DNR in July and ask if deer hunting has started?
18. You fucking change people. Do I look like a bank or casino? No I am not. When your order is rung up for $5.63, don’t whip out your stupid little change purse. It’s bad enough for the ones that want to dig out the 63¢, but the ones that think they should dig out the entire amount in change while my line backs up to the fucking meat department need to be knocked out cold with a bag of quarters. How’s that for change motherfucker?
19. You customers that just seem to think my day isn’t complete until I fill out your blank check for you. I usually ask them who wipes their ass for them at home. That seems to get them out of my hair for a little while.
20. We do not move things around constantly. If you are standing there swearing something was there last week, it probably wasn’t. Take your money and buy a clue.
The unfortunate fact is we retail people put up with this shit everyday, all day. Whenever we hear the words “excuse me”, or a page for a phone call we cringe. Customers are one of the main reasons that I hate my job. I will go on record saying that there are some customers that aren’t a real problem, but aside from those three, the rest of you assholes had better start shaping up before we snap on your ass. I would like to thank Jody from my store and my friend Lisa from Ohio for their input into this matter and for helping me realize that customers are a pain in the ass all the way from Wisconsin to Ohio and everywhere in between.