I think anyone that is working or has worked in retail will agree with the point that a certain degree of customers suck. I’m sure it’s somewhere in that 80/20 rule that 80% of your customers are going to suck or something along those lines. I would have to agree with that, and maybe even have to push that 80 up to a 90. I’ve already put down two customer sucks pages covering a broad spectrum of the stupid things that these customers do and I’ve come to realize that two is just not enough. Customers suck way more than two pages will ever justify; perhaps even more than three.
1. Ok morons, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again; we are not a bank. Some stores will cash your paycheck, but we do not. If you could though, I would love for you to tell me all of the other places that will cash your check so I can stand there puzzled wondering why the fuck you don’t just go there. I’d love to hear you bitch and complain about the fact you can’t cash it here considering you were planning on buying a pack of Juicy Fruit. Just so you know, if we did cash checks we’d charge a $1 or $2 fee and then you’d just start bitching about that too.
2. If you’re just writing a personal check out I’m sure you’re going to want to write it out for over the purchase amount. Had you not stopped reading at the headlines of the National Enquirer and kept on going you may have read the sign stating that we have a $10 over policy. Silly me, that shouldn’t apply to you though right? Only to those other customers that are shopping here. It isn’t a round it up game either, if your bill is $12.63 quit asking if you can write it out for $25. If I let you it’s just so you’ll shut the hell up.
3. Whenever we tell you that you can’t do something, your defensive move is letting us know that the other cashier lets you do it. You’ll pipe up and say well that other lady that is usually here lets me do it all the time. Why don’t you ask her, oh she must have the day off. That’s right, your mystery cashier just happens to have the fucking day off doesn’t she? What about her name? Oh I suppose you can’t remember something simple like the name of a cashier; that is unless they’ve done something that pissed you off.
4. When you do write out your checks, could you possibly write them so they are readable? You fuck around in the store forever then you get to the checkout and suddenly it’s like you’re in the pit crew at NASCAR and you think you have to write that check out in record time. Suddenly 5’s look like 3’s and 4’s like 9’s. It’s horrible; I’ve seen four year olds with better handwriting. If you can’t manage to write your checks out, perhaps you shouldn’t be allowed to purchase groceries at all.
5. Why do you people that apparently only carry around $50 and $100 bills always feel compelled to come in and buy a damn Snickers bar as soon as a new drawer is opened? As soon as we hit the tendered button and open the drawer, you see you’re only going to be getting back $5’s and you get all bitchy. What do you think; our drawers start out with a ton of money in them? Go ahead; ask me for the fifth time if I have some $20’s in there.
6. When you are waiting to be checked out maybe you should pick a line and stick with it. Don’t be going back and forth between lane 2 and 5. If you’re going to be that fucking indecisive then I don’t even want to ask you whether you want paper or plastic.
7. The checkout area is a place for you to wait to pay for your groceries. It is not a place to throw stuff you don’t want because you had an epiphany about not buying those chocolate covered condoms.
8. Then again instead of just dumping the shit off thinking nobody saw you, why don’t you do the noble thing and ask me to do it for you. You know, you get up to the checkouts and suddenly decide that you don’t really need the industrial size thing of Cool Whip (it’s always something that will melt or rot) and then you figure hey, the checker is really busy, why not have them put it back. Hey sure, why not, as soon as I’m done checking out the 50 people behind your indecisive ass then I’ll run this half melted shit right back to the freezer.
9. How much did that ring up for? Oh, that’s one of our favorite phrases to hear. Just another reason that you’ll want to put back an item is because you once again misread a sign. A customer reading a sign wrong; no way you say. Yes, it happens usually with a frequency of about 88%. So you realize that the Hamburger Helper isn’t 33¢ even though that one box was on the end cap with the Mac & Cheese. Well, there’s no way you are going to pay $1.99 for food for the family and you decide you don’t want it anymore. Not only don’t you want it, but instead of putting it back where it belongs, you elect me to do it for you.
10. What do you mean there’s tax on my candy bar? That’s what I get to hear from your sorry ass when you decide that you’re far too important to pay state sales tax on something. Yes, it is food and there isn’t tax on food, but a Snickers Bar is candy and that isn’t a necessity food now is it? Perhaps if you’d eat more necessity foods and fewer Snickers then you wouldn’t be so fat, miserable and bitchy; then when I tell you that you owe a whole additional 5¢ on your order for tax you won’t have a fucking conniption.
11. Of course in order to save yourself a whole bundle of money you’re going to whip out the coupons. You’ve got so damn many coupons you don’t even know what half of them are for. At what grade did you start to fail math is my question. Here you have 100 items you’re buying and you give me somewhere in the area of 300 coupons. Now I may not like my job much but common sense does overrule your stupidity or to be honest…down right crookedness. How could you have not gotten these items, the picture’s right on the fucking coupon for your reference?
12. Hey, I don’t really like the stupid “card” to get the deals anymore than you do, but that’s our policy and I’m not going to make an exception for your worthless ass. First you’re going to piss and moan because you’re not giving me all of your important secret information. What are you, in the fucking witness protection program or something? What do you think, that if you give me this information then tomorrow you’ll get whacked? Tough luck jackass, if you want to save the 40¢ on the can of tuna, that’s a chance you’re going to have to take.
13. Get off the cell phone when you’re in the checkout lane. See, although they don’t want to, the cashier still needs to talk to you to let you know the total of the shit you’re buying. When the cashier does start to converse with you to further the transaction along don’t you dare put up your index finger at her expecting her to wait for your all important conversation with someone who you will surely talk to or see again in five minutes. If that was my cashier I would tell her to show you her finger; the one NEXT to the index finger.
14. Is it really that fucking hard for you to hand your money over to the cashier? All it takes is you holding it in your hand and then when it gets into their hand you let go. There is no need to throw your money on the counter or onto the conveyer belt. Doing so only makes you out to be an anti social asshole; but then again we already knew that.
15. Let’s get one thing straight here; I don’t control the post office or the local paper company. If for some reason the paper comes out early and you get our ad a day ahead of schedule, do not come in thinking you are going to get those prices. See all of those numbers in the lower left hand corner of the ad? Those numbers are the dates that this ad is in effect for. We put that there for people to read so when retards like you come up bitching or the other assholes that bring in last weeks ad to shop with we can point out your stupidity to you.
16. I know ignorance is bliss and all, and I should really be happy that some people can’t read dates and just be thankful that they are still shopping in our store from our ad. That’s right, what the hell are you dumb asses thinking that bring in an ad from another store and then you have to ask me all the while scratching your empty head why there is no sign showing this sale price. When I explain to you rather slowly that the item isn’t on ad please don’t even ask if we can match the price for you… we won’t.
17. “I would never shoplift.” If I had a dollar for every time I heard that phrase, well I wouldn’t have to work in a shitty retail job; that’s for sure. Here’s the situation, we lock up some items because they get stolen a lot. Sudafed is one, Abreva is another. Some people like to steal these items so we lock them up tight to stop those assholes. Then an asshole of a different kind comes up (that would be you) and asks if we have Sudafed. Well, yes we do have Sudafed but it is locked up here because some people steal it, I’ll get you one. Then I get to hear you suddenly become Johnny fuckin’ Cochran telling me that you would never steal and one time you helped a store catch a shoplifter and the rest just sounds like noise because I’m really trying not to hear you. I never said you were going to steal it nor did I imply it, now just take your Sudafed and shut the fuck up.
18. I know in the big metropolis that you originate from, everything is open 24 hours a day, but in this little hick town we close. See, we close at 10pm and that means we would like to go home shortly afterwards. Now if your dumb ass waltzes in the store at 9:58 there’s little chance of that happening isn’t there? I know you are the almighty customer and we should stay open however long it takes because you need to buy a jug of drinking water and some Little Debbie’s, but in reality we just want you to go to the gas station and buy that shit.
19. Since I missed it the last time when I was talking about videos, this is for you dumb bastards that forget to put the DVD back in the box when you return it to the store. This is stupider than you jackoffs that forget to rewind your movie. We get your movie back and we open the case up and guess what, no DVD. How hard is it to open up the case and look before you leave your house? You know what else? If the DVD’s you rent are a two piece set, make sure they’re both there before you bring it back. If you rented two then you have to bring back two. Simple rules for simple people. I seriously think that videos stores should be able to add stupidity charges much like late fees and rewind fees.
There, in case there were some doubters out there, this third installment should hopefully prove that customers keep on sucking.