Camping Tips
Nothing brings families closer together than spending a weekend in a confined space eating foods you only eat when you aren't near civilization. Camping is a great American pastime, as showcased in such great movies as Friday the 13th, Cabin Fever and the Blair Witch Project. Before you go out into the great outdoors, make sure you follow the safety rules.
- Campfires help repel insects. Keep one burning at all times.
- You'll want to camp in a familiar setting. Try your neighbors’ backyard.
- Pizza doesn't cook well in a campfire.
- Campfires are hot. Use at least a 6 foot stick when roasting marshmallows.
- Tents are for pussies.
- Make sure your camper is equipped with the necessities. Air conditioning, toilet/shower, satellite TV, wet bar... hey, no sense roughing it.
- Make sure you bring a lot of food in case there are bears to feed.
- Don't wear your honey scented body spray.
- Insects can ruin any camping trip. A flame-thrower will eliminate most pesky bugs.
- If you get poison ivy then... well stay the fuck away from me. What, do I look like a doctor?
- Roasting hot dogs over the fire is a good way to bond with your family - not to mention a good reason to say 'hot wiener'.
- If you get attacked by a bear, remember; stop drop & roll. Oh shit...never mind.
- Camping is a way to get back to nature and enjoy the simpler things. Like no TV, no mattress, mosquitoes, large bears, etc...
- You may finally find out an answer to that old question. Does a bear shit in the woods?
- That whole clean & sanitary thing... kiss it good-bye.
- If you think you're getting away for a couple days, just remember. That's what the kids in that Blair Witch Project thought too.
- When wiping your ass with a pine cone, make sure you go in the right direction.
- Ah fuck it; it'll probably just rain anyway.