Buying a Pet

pets2Buying a pet can be one of the best choices you make in your life. Never again will you be lonesome. You will now have a constant companion whose very life depends on your ability to feed, water and clean up after them. You better think this shit through a little more.

  • The quiet little puppy you buy today will become the loud whiny hellion by the time you get back to your house.
  • Don’t waste money on toys. Your new $100 Nikes will do just fine.
  • If you get your cat neutered and de-clawed, see if they will throw in a free de-meowing.
  • When choosing between two pets, ask the manager if he will let them fight to the death.
  • If you’re going to just buy fish, you might as well just cut your dick off too.
  • Buy your cat a collar with a bell on it… they hate that.
  • When teaching your dog tricks, don’t go for those lame ones like rolling over. Do something original like juggling.
  • Picking between a cat and a dog can be a tough choice. Cats go to the bathroom indoors, dogs you have to let out at 2am. Dogs are compassionate, cats are vile bastards. Decisions, decisions.
  • If you decide on a big snake, you might as well tell your other small animals good-bye now.
  • When choosing a dog, get one big enough to scare the neighborhood kids away, but small enough not to kill them.
  • Plan ahead when picking a name for your dog. No need to be in the park asking strangers if they’ve seen your little Snugglebuttons.

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