February 21, 2009
Wait… I’m Supposed To Be Disgruntled
You know, not only have I not been blogging a lot since I got my new non retail job back in 2006, I haven’t been as pissed off either. Now obviously there is a direct correlation between not working retail and not being so pissed off, so figure that the fuck out. So I’ve noticed that my lack of quality blogging has diminished since 2006 and I think I’ll try to solve the problem. No… I’m not going back to retail. I’m just going to get pissed off. Now my job is good, so what should I get pissed off about? I know, I’ll watch some news.
First off, Florida has once again not disappointed me by giving me two missing little girls in the last 6 months, and not only that, but their names rhyme. The second girl I hope they find her alive because it is a horrible situation for any parent to go through; however the one that irritates me is Caylee. This poor girl was killed and put in the woods; her mom is in jail on suspicion. Well guess what news people; now that the girl is dead, take it off the news. I had no problem when she was missing and it was on the news because hey, let’s get the news out there and maybe someone can help ID her and find her and get her home. But now that a body had been found and the mom is awaiting trial, I don’t want to see it anymore. If you want to spend time on a newscast then do some more to help find some more missing children. I don’t think Caylee was the only one out there. In fact I know she’s not. What about Adji Desir? I haven’t heard shit about him aside from the 10 minute blurb one night on Nancy Grace that he was missing, but apparently dead white girl trumps missing black boy, and we’ll leave the news at that. Note that I’m not totally bashing Nancy Grace on this, I’m talking about all of HLN, CNN’s second 24 hour news channel (like you fuckers needed a second one).
Anyway, I’ve mentioned before how having 24 hour news saturates the market and gives us way too much news and since there is time to fill, we get repetitive and stupid news stories. Well apparently NBC heard me and decided to put a news story on NBC Nightly News just for me. Now had this been some 24 hour MSNBC story I would have understood, but no; NBC reported on their Friday night newscast that Socks the cat had been put to sleep. Do you really think I give a flying fuck that the Clinton’s cat was put down? It was a cat for Christ’s sake! Was he (I’m assuming Socks was a boy cat) the Secretary of Hairballs or something like that? If not, then what difference does this make? Hell, he didn’t even get a blowjob while he was in the White House (OK, I’m only assuming that as well, because I don’t know what Monica’s limits were). Anyway, he was a pet and he was old for a cat, so therefore it’s natural and not news. He was just their pet.
And that brings us to pets… I have one more item to visit before I turn off this computer for another night. Who the fuck has a monkey for a pet? I don’t ever want to have a pet that I can’t take in a fight. If I have a cat and that fucker gets over 20 pounds, I’m taking his fat ass to the shelter. I don’t need Snicker’s smothering me in my sleep some night because I bought the wrong flavor of Fancy Feast. And if I have a dog, I’m getting a small Poodle or Chihuahua; you know, one of those gay dogs, because I could kick their ass if they freak out. I don’t need a German Shepherd walking around with my detached forearm in his mouth when the police show up. So we come back to the monkey, and not a cute cuddly monkey, a big ugly monkey with a bad fucking attitude. Well that’s what you want, go ahead and invite the neighborhood children over to play with him. Don’t forget, monkey’s have thumbs, and with thumbs, you can hold a knife, or gun… depending on how bad ass your monkey is. Oh, and by the way, I don’t know if it’s really a monkey or some other type of primate, but this isn’t fucking science class, so get over it if I’m wrong because I’m going to refer to it as “the monkey” always.
Now I haven’t read all of the reports involving this case, however from what I’ve been hearing, the owner slept with the monkey and took baths with it, noting that it was like her child. Lady, the monkey was what, 12, 14 years old? Show me any mother that sleeps and bathes with her teenage son and I’ll show you a future serial killer. Honestly, between you and me, you can’t convince me she wasn’t riding the primate pole.
So anyway, monkey (I know he was named Travis… but seriously, he’s a fuckin’ monkey) attacks this ladies friend and rips her face off. First off, why would you go visit your friend if they had a monkey? I’ve had friends with birds and I don’t go to their houses because I don’t want my eyes pecked out. So anyway she goes over and this monkey goes ape shit (I had to say that) and attacks her. That is so uncalled for and wrong and most likely unprovoked. The only way she was asking for it would be if she had been wearing Calvin Klein Banana Fragrance; then yeah, I’m with the monkey on that one. Give me the fucking bananas, I smell them and they’re on your face and neck. However considering the fact that Calvin Klein isn’t releasing that fragrance until Christmas of 2009, I doubt that is what happened.
So let’s recap how the news is making Dave more disgruntled… dead girl, still at the top of the news (Natalee Holloway anyone?) I don’t care if a cat belonged to the president; just because it died it isn’t news worthy. Monkey’s don’t make good pets unless their name is Clyde and you’re Clint Eastwood and you’re filming a movie in the 70’s.
Holy shit, that was a lot of writing, hopefully that makes up for the last couple years of sluffing off. Hey, good news by the way, the last blog entry (Feb 7) was my 500th blog entry. Also, 2009 marks 7 years of Disgruntledhuman.com (don't divide 500 entries by 7 years to see how lax I am you damn nerds). Technically it’s my 8th year, but I didn’t purchase the domain name until April of 2003. You know, maybe that will be on the news some night.
Yeah, I doubt it too. I’ll have to buy a monkey.
February 07, 2009
To Be Honest With You
Wow, I didn’t blog much at all last month, except for my one power blog on the last day of the month. I have to tell you, I was doing important work which explains my absence. I spent all of January on a cross country trek trying to help the Amish get ready for the digital TV conversion. It was a fun month, I got to milk cows and drink goat milk and hook DTV conversion boxes to fireplaces. Hopefully that will pass as community service in the judge’s eyes.
Speaking of the Amish and fireplaces… does anyone really believe that these heating units/fake fireplaces are being built by the Amish? That shit is mass produced just like everything else on the infomercial forefront. The only way I would buy any of that lame shit is if Billy Mays was selling it. Well him or that goofy Sham-Wow guy. What is it about wearing a mic/earphone headpiece from 1998 that makes you such a dick? To tell you the truth, I don’t think those Sham-Wow’s work well anyway.
There’s a phrase I love… To tell you the truth. Is our society so filled with lies and untruths, that we have to say that and warn people that we aren’t going to lie now?
Wow Jim, I really have no luck with the ladies lately.
Tim, to tell you the truth, you’ve never been good with the ladies.
Seriously, why don’t we do that when we lie to people? To totally lie to you, you are the most beautiful woman I know… oh no, the wart compliments your facial features. Yes, cellulite is in for 2009.
You know, to be honest with you, I don’t trust anyone who says to tell you the truth.